walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
you had me at cake vodka
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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