Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Small penises have feelings too.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
