my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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