Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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