you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I got inside last night via doggy door
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
