As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Oh god it's open bar.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
