I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize