good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
