We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
