Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My penis needs a shock collar
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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