Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
