I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize