I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
