So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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