I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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