I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
