I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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