In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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