I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
