If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
