my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
