yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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