is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
