Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
