where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
