Joe is yelling at the trees again.
You smell like stripper and shame
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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