Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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