I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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