i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
