So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
