You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
