I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Randomize
