apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
