her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If that was your dad, he is hot
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
