i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
