Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
