He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
