I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I need to calm my uterus...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize