4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
