Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
So many bounce houses so little time
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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