I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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