Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
