I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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