I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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