I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize