Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
