it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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