He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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