so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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