What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize