why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
