You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
