I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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