My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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