she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
