Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
