I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
im holly from the hills drunk
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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