____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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