so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
