I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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