sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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